Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro