Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
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Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.