Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.