Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.