Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.