Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
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Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.