Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
damn he’s good
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.