JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
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You know who you are.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
Lady came to front door & asked if I’d donate to new pool they’re building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA
Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Nothing says “I don’t trust you with cash” like a visa gift card.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.