Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

Feel. He’s so soft.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Heroic Misunderstanding

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

i wish all

whales

a very

big

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza

Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭