HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
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Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.