Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

christening a ship with an overripe banana

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence