Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

🙁

[Super Bowl Halftime performance]

Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶

7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?

9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.