Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

What an awful time to have common sense.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Me: this movie sucks

Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

By Kate Hatos

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.