Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”