Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

no..
one…

cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

nobody’s gonna understand

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it

My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…

Teamwork makes the dreamwork

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!