Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.