Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.

I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.

If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.

This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers

If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.

God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this