Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!

Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?

Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day

The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?