Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.