Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

Ladies, why y’all do this?

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.