Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Toddler: hold my sippy cup

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

🤣😂🤣😂

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw