Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

smh

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

Moving tip: don’t learn how to read

“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ