her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)