WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[awesome life of caterpillar]
1) all I do is eat, awesome
2) time to sleep in this cozy bag, awesome
3) *wakes up*OMG I CAN FLY NOW, AWESOME
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?