ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
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The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I see dead people.
Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”
Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]