Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Pretty much. 🤣

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

This is I, Robot all over again

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?

Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom