Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

The Punning Dead.

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

GM✌🏻

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.