HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.