Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”