Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?

AI: 17.

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

I gave up going to work for lent.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

me after eating Cheetos

Spoiler Alert: I was late

There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?

Me: It’s a fake.

Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?

Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!