HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Breaking news:
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you