Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

“I do not negotiate with little kids”

My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

Seems a bit forward

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.