HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
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I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’