Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

Them: you smell so good what is that?

Me: bleach

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool

Nothing at all like us…

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?

Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]

6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”