Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mornin

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.

it’s not been my year

Yup….perfect score!

I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”

seems like a niche market

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism