HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
You Might Also Like
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.