Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her