HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Liquor Store Parking
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Huge, if true.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”