Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.