Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
You Might Also Like
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Pat is about to own someone
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Happy thanksgiving
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Revenge served cold
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.