Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
<—- homeless romantic
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: