Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]

“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”

*covers it with towel*

“ok now it’s safe”

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

I toured a defense contractor executive’s home

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.