HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?

ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing

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Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.


If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.


Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?


If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.


totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school


I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.


ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it


doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air