Netflix should have a category called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”.
HER: Did you have the birds and the bees talk with the kids ?
ME: *Joyously* yes, they think we should get a sex swing
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.
Who’s the deaf one again?
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air