This hospital has everything
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I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.