Her: Did you hear that eating curry can get rid of bad memories?

Me: So I should take you out for Indian AFTER we have sex?

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I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.


Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.


Rest areas are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.


I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it’s not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.


me: but it says it RIGHT HERE, philippians 4:13 “i can do all things through christ who strengthens me”

priest: ok again, the lord is not going to help you [sighs] “get hella laid”


My gym trainer told us to run around the building with 15 lb. kettlebells. I told him if I wanted to run with an extra 15 lbs, I wouldn’t be at the gym.


My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.


To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.


Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.


Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer