Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*

FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions

Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this