Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
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ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over