Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

“i am a sweet baby”

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

What

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.