her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve