her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.
There’s No L.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid