her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.