Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario

[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it

~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

Water: can you do me a solid?

God: sure *turns it into ice*

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*

I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

I hate my earbuds.

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine