Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.