Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
I cannot stop laughing at this
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.