Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

Why can’t mirrors be nicer

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

You were the one.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.