her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
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1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
2022 be like
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.