Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging

TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?

Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*

CS: 683648AC4712.

Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!

CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?

Me: No thanks *click*

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

A dad and his duck

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life