Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

mom: how was the ballgame

me: they showed sex on tv

mom: what?

dad: he means the kiss cam

me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

The pen is writier than the sword.

A wise man once said nothing.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass

Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it

Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.