Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again
Me: what the hell…I already did this hour
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.
Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I’d hang this in my house.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone