Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

This is my favorite one of these!

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”