Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
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reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
just left a huge legacy in there
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses