Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: no don’t open that candy before din-

5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]

me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.