Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery

me: gotcha

[later]

me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them

If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.

Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997