HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
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Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]