Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.

11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.

11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.

Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Truly one of the great bangers

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.

I need better friends

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]

SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?

I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.