her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
You Might Also Like
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.