her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
me refusing to leave twitter
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.