HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
