Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

* Kindergarten*

Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]

[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read

My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle

ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.