Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.

Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I love it all

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”