Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

I self medicate, therefore you live.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Sorry my spirit animal peed on you.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.