Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
😭😭😭
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Doggies just call it style.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Alexa: *deep breath*
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there