Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Creative Problem Solving
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.