Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today

Van Gone

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

Worst perfume name ever.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

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[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box