Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

“Be nice to everyone…

You never know who might have a pool.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Take care of yourself, ladies

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?