Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Grow up never but we old may grow we

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”

“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem, Alan.”

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️‍🔥

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.