Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

I would guard your potatoes so hard.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

Called it

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?