HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
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It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.